Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity – Louis Pasteur
The leaders I met, whatever walk of life they were from, whatever institutions they were presiding over, always referred back to the same failure - something that happened to them that was personally difficult, even traumatic, something that made them feel that desperate sense of hitting bottom - as something they thought was almost a necessity. It's as if at that moment the iron entered their soul; that moment created the resilience that leaders need - Warren G. Bennis
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on - Franklin D. Roosevelt
Do you know the feeling of being tested when you try your utmost to do the right thing? Perhaps you have realised that your recent behaviour towards your partner was unloving and selfish. You are dedicated to change it and focus more on her needs than yours. You are really motivated to reach out. But then, just as you try to build new patterns of behaviour, you find that you are put on trial. It could be a hurtful remark that implies that you are not really trusted and your motivations are in question. It could be that you discover you have to give up a lot more than what you were prepared for.
In another area of your life you passionately follow your dream or initiate something that in your mind will be a significant contribution at work or elsewhere. After days, weeks or even years of carefull consideration and preparation your are ready to excecute your plan. But then you meet unexpected resistence, doors you hoped to go through remain closed. Unexpected developments put your plan in jeopardy. It is as if an invincible force is trying to prevent you to make any progress. In whatever way one looks at it, there is huge dissappointment.
The hardships of live are diverse and many. There are times that we need to overcome the trauma of death, of serious illness, of a broken relationship, of loss of income and work and of accidents or forms of violence. We experience shock and all the strong and energy sapping emotions that typically come with it. We say to ourselves ‘life goes on’ and try to find the resolve to cope, sometimes with the help of medication, therapy or counselling and hopefully with the support of family, friends and colleagues. We find ways to strengthen our faith and often re-commit and experience deepening in our spiritual lives. We go into survival mode where we focus only on the most essential things in life until time heals some of the wounds and we have more or less adapted to the new situation in our lives. One cannot underestimate the grieve and suffering that traumatic events can cause. It can be devestating. With these kind of events we are essentially required to cope with loss and disruption of our lives.
Dealing with dissappoinments are different but poses strong challenges of its own. In certain ways one can say that it can be even more difficult. When something bad of general nature has happened outside of our control, there is shock, pain and mourning. We have to accept it, adapt and move on in life. When we get dissappointted in our expectations, we can say it is no different: Accept, adapt and move on. However, we all know very well that in many cases it is not so simple. There are questions and doubts that emerge spontaneously. They are demanding, relentless and disturbing. Am I on the right track? Are my expectations too high? Is there something wrong with my judgment? Should I have done something different? Am I alone in this? Was I naieve? Are my beliefs myths and fabrications? Did I listen to the wrong people?
What makes these questions exceptionally challenging is the fact that they are self-doubting. They drill down to the essence of my being. They threaten my confidence. Our biggest problem and handicap when faced with dissappointments and the self doubt that can follow, is the myth that we are alone in the battle with ourselves. When tragedy happens it is there for everyone to see and to respond to with sympathy. When we experience deep dissappointment, it often is not evident to others. It is something we might prefer to keep private for fear of wrong perceptions. We, perhaps subconsciouly, tell ourselves that others will read failure into our story. They will simply concur that we are not good enough to achieve what we aspire to. We don’t have the talent for it. Our sense of pride prevents us from talking easily about our personal dissappointments. We will rather resort to the assumption that success is not meant for us and that it chooses only the naturally talented. And for them it more or less falls in their lap. Really? Reading autobiographies of people whom we regard as talented and successful can cure the myth. People we admire for their success always have an account of how they had to overcome adversity and dissappointment and how it ultimately contributed to their growth and advancement in life.
Of course, it is one thing to hear the testimony of someone who is asked to explain his success after difficult times and a different thing to understand or analise the thinking proccesses during those times in the hope that one can adopt the constructive responses. Exactly how one can overcome the persistent feelings of self-doubt or doubting life in general, is the magic formula we all hope to find. Unhelpful reactions to our dissappoinments, I think, broadly fall into two categories… To be continued
Best wishes till next month.
Gerhard
No comments:
Post a Comment