OUR FEARS AND WHAT THEY TELL US
To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. Not to dare, is to lose oneself - Søren Kierkegaard
The perfect is the enemy of the good – Voltaire
We either learn to fail or we fail to learn – Tal Ben-Shahar
When we persist in looking at the shadow side, we will eventually end up in the dark - Henri Nouwen
Our fears are as much, if not more, part of who we are as our joys – even though we talk much easier about our joys than our fears. What do we fear? The most common answer to this question is ‘failure’. Well, failure in what sense? I believe that the fear we have for failure is more specifically the fear to be seen as failure. If I am all on my own and set myself the goal to climb to the top of a high mountain I might be concerned that perhaps I will not make it, but not fearful. However, if I am in a group of people the fear of being seen as a failure if I do not make it will be real.
If you could know, really know, that no-one will ever think of you as a failure if you cannot achieve your performance targets it will certainly take away the fear factor – and it will certainly help you in giving it your best shot. So in essence it is the fear of not being recognised, respected or valued by others. It follows that the less we experience or experienced (in our childhood and youth) evidence of others unconditional love, recognition, appreciation and respect, the more fearful and driven we become. We are then driven by the fear of loosing whatever respect we feel we have and/or by the desperate feeling to earn (more) respect.
There are many more things we fear … if we come to think of it. We fear illness and age. We fear tragedy, violence and physical harm. We fear loss of income and lowering our standard of living. We fear harm to our loved ones. We fear the unknown and loss in any sense of the word. But most of all we fear to be worthless. As Viktor Frankl explained, you can overcome anything if you have a sense of worth and meaning. He quotes Nietzsche who said: He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How. The Why, we can add, is not satisfied with scientific explanations of our history but only by an internalised belief about our purpose.
It is true that we can be overwhelmed and paralysed with fear when we stare a threat to our well-being in the face, but we are at our most vulnerable when we sense loss of worth or meaning. Our death looks different if we can believe that our life had meaning … lasting meaning. Our quest in life is not pleasure or power, but meaning. Yes, pleasure and power can help us to forget the feeling of meaninglessness for a while, but it will return until we have answered the call for meaning. Whether we like it or not, we are constantly challenged with the question what we believe in and how we live according to that belief.
Our self-doubt with regards to our worth often manifests in arrogance. We try our level best to create the impression that we are OK, we have everything under control. If, at the same time, we can create confusion in other people’s minds and get them to doubt their worth, so much the better. Our (subconscious) thinking is that it can only help if others are too scared (what if he attacks and belittles me) to try and expose our image of Mr Perfect. And so we can succeed in the creation of cultures of fear where everything becomes a political game and you have the main players dominating the centre stage and the quiet but disgruntled spectators. In the meantime our insecurity prevents us from moving out of our comfort zones. We project a brave and powerful image but we never act accordingly – the unknown is too much of a threat to our carefully built but fragile image.
Self-rejection and feelings of being worthless can make us fall in the trap of perfectionism. We try to cover-up our insecurity with pretensions and blame on others. As a perfectionist you work and live with an unrealistic idea of life. The idea of perfect does not empower us. Rather, it makes us critical of everyone and everything except ourselves, while it discourages us to personally commit and try out new things. That is why Voltaire reminds us that the perfect is the enemy of the good and that is why we either learn to fail or we fail to learn.
Being human and therefore vulnerable, where does it leave us as we face an uncertain future? Asked what he would do if the world would end tomorrow, Martin Luther answered ‘I would plant a tree today.’ To me it symbolizes the following:
· We can express and feel our worth by doing what is before us as something meaningful (however small or simple it might seem)
· Nothing can prevent us from giving meaning to every day, hour or minute we have to live
· It is always a good time to celebrate the gift of life
Best wishes and I trust you will enjoy spring.
Gerhard
Remember my offer of inspirational talks on the following topics:
· Inspire yourself, inspire others
· Resilience and tenacity
· Accountability and responsibility
· The illusion of security
· The power of character
· Excellence and success
· Busyness and prioritising
· Mental and spiritual fitness
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GOD WALKER INITIATIVE
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